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Illustrative photo of a model portraying a mom standing firm
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AIO that my son needs to pay us back?
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I (45F) and my husband (49M) have 2 adult children. Our son (almost 21M) ended up in a bit of a situation a couple weeks ago.
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My son texted me asking if I could help get him and his (20F) gf to and from work for a couple weeks. When I asked why, he let me know his car had been repo’d and that he could get it back but had 10 days to come up with the $1900 to do so. He did NOT want me to tell his dad/my husband. My son also asked if we could maybe help him with some of those funds because they weren’t willing to give him an extra 4 days beyond that for him to land on a payday. We agreed and said he would have to pay back whatever he borrowed.
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As I helped get them back and forth to work, I asked some questions like why he hasn’t gotten his second car repaired or why he didn’t ask for help with a car payment before all of this snowballed. The answer to both was a super honest one “we’ve just been irresponsible with money lately”. I appreciate the honesty but I let him know that this would have been much cheaper all around had he just asked for help with a car payment. (He works two jobs and makes good money at his full time job so this shouldn’t be an issue at all).
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As this 10 days went on, I noticed his gf was carrying a brand new almost $400 coach purse (her birthday was just before all of this happened). I said absolutely nothing about it. However, when I picked her up from work one of the last days before he got his car back, she casually mentioned she’s “looking for better paying jobs for him”, that she “wants a dog” and when she gets the dog she’s “going to drop from full time to maybe 5 hours a day 2-3 days a week” so she can stay with the dog.
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Staged image of a model portraying a mom holding firm after a dispute, looking unimpressed at home.
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I still said nothing.
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Today, my son was to pay back half of what he borrowed from us to get his car back (we didn’t loan him the full amount, he did pay for the bulk of it and we don’t technically need the money back). He did send the payment. I let my husband know and he said that our son doesn’t need to pay the rest back and to give him back half of what he paid today tomorrow.
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I said no, that this is a lesson in swallowing his pride and it would have cost far less had he asked before there was an issue, let alone the inconvenience to me, and that the only way this lesson will really stick is to make him pay this back whether we need it or not. My husband pushed back and said we really don’t need it and he doesn’t want him hurting financially over it (we’re being extremely flexible with it being paid back). At this point, I let my husband know about the handbag and her work plan and said that it’s beyond irresponsible when she’s rocking a brand new higher end handbag and is trying to drop down to part time, I said by NOT making him pay us back, we are effectively letting her decide that it is not only our sons job to support her financially, but ours as well and I’m unwilling to send that message to either of them.
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I’ve dug my heels in, I expect this money back. AIO about this? Should we make our son pay this back so that the lesson sticks?
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Model portraying a frustrated mom
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I'd like to be a fly on this girl's mind's wall because her work plan? Just wow. Wanting to drop to five hours a week to stay home with a future dog while your boyfriend works two jobs and just had his car repossessed is a financial vision that requires a very specific kind of support system. Right now that support system appears to include both the boyfriend and, if the dad gets his way, his parents too. The mom clocked this immediately and that is exactly why she is holding the line on the repayment.
Her husband's instinct to just forgive the debt comes from a good place. Nobody wants to see their kid struggle over a few hundred dollars when they have the ability to absorb it. But there is a real difference between helping your kid through a hard moment and quietly absorbing the financial consequences of someone else's lifestyle choices on an ongoing basis. The mom is not being cruel, she is being accurate about what message gets sent when the money disappears without the lesson attached to it.
Making him pay it back is not about the money. It never was.
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